You are a Person Deserving of Everything.
I hate to admit it, but I’m caught in an undertow.
Pretense is such a burden, you know? But honesty makes life so much easier at the moment.
I might have to accept that beneath my pristine, polished surface is a broken hot mess.
Just give me some minutes to process it and accept it fully.
It's midnight and I'm slouched on my bed with Chinua Achebe's "Things Fall Apart" in hand, feeling like I'm lost under the surface.
I'm trying to write, yet I can't find the right words.
I normally write good girl stuff.
I'm a happy girl, you know?
But lately, when I've sat down to write, what flows from the ends of my pen isn't peaceful or tranquil or easy like ocean tides.
Whatever creative power that controls my writing has decided that black is my favorite. My new writings are dark, raw, and undeniably powerful. I've been channeling all my negativity, all the hurt and shame and pain into a series of bold creative fury.
All of it taking the shapes of letters, words and sentences that mirror all of the inexplicable emotional turmoil unfurling inside of me.
It's like naked emotion on paper. It's shocking and it compels you to have a re-read,
And I can't help but think I've discovered the true meaning of writing as therapy.
But sitting right here right now, trying hard to write, I don't feel it would work.
Writing these words, I don't feel any different.
Not yet, at least.
But then, what if it works?
What if it does help?
What if it does?
Well, here goes my words:
Insecurity and self-doubt are spoilsports.
The growing overbearing feeling of not being good enough makes you feel like you are drowning,
And you can't help it.
You constantly doubt yourself, tell yourself you are not good enough, and compare yourself to others around you despite knowing how unhealthy it is to live your life that way.
You are in a dark place, hitting an all-time low with your now constant companion: self-doubt and insecurity.
Emptiness consumes you as you continue to doubt yourself and gradually but steadily bring yourself down.
You cut yourself off from all sorts of experiences because you tell yourself you are "not that sort of person."
You refuse to accept praises and compliments because you feel undeserving of them.
You find it hard to accept love because you feel you are unlovable and not a person deserving of love.
You beat yourself up, choosing to let your mind play tricks on you.
But how do you know?
Do you even have the faintest idea what kind of person you are or what you feel you deserve?
Here's the thing...
I want you to know that you are lovable and no one can prove otherwise— not even you.
You are a person deserving of goodness and happiness.
You deserve everything, but the only one that can receive it is YOU.
It's all in your reach, easy for you to grasp but you have to make the effort to leave those dark places,
The emptiness insecurity and self-doubt has wrapped you in.
You deserve to love and be loved.
You deserve everything,
And everything also deserves to experience you.
You have it all in you to reach for the goals you have set; it's not impossible.
But first, you have to let go of insecurity and self-doubt
And truly accept that you are deserving of everything.
Now read that again; this time, slowly.
Choose to believe it this time around.
Keep going and take care of yourself.
I'll do the same.
Edited by Daniela Obike. (Thanks for turning my whole jumble of incoherent late-night thoughts into this beautiful piece.)